Perhaps "war" is too mild a word for the conflict I am engaged in. "War" is subject to the Geneva Convention. I could quite cheerfully--almost offhandedly--rip the lungs out of certain persons associated with the Children's Television Sweatshop. I have never quite gotten along with the Generalissimo, but another kid, who I always rather considered a friend, is indeed more rabid a guerilla warrior than his Leader. This is why I am particularly resentful of their attitudes. I love animals, but when I reflect on their no-doubt sincere beliefs--that anyone who must survive using products tested on animals should feel guilty for merely being alive (punctuating these assertions with ripe vivisection porn)--I feel like going downstairs and sticking forks in my cats. I used to think these animal-rights jerks were just cranks, but now I realize that they're the Khmer Rouge. Forget the cats; I'm sharpening my forks for the Children's Television Sweatshop.