"At that, there might be worse things than being left in Utica."

--Robert Benchley (1889-1945)


I used to think so too, Bob. But now I am REALLY stuck in Utica. Shecters, the local fat-ass store, is closing. This shatters my world. Wal-Mart, et alia, do not cater to my ass size. (Though the "alia" isn't as many retailers as it used to be.) Simply put, I have been tried in the Court of Ass Sizes and found "homebound." I might as well start trying recipes out of the Sylvia Plath Cookbook. ("Insert head in oven, blow out pilot, wait for bright light at end of tunnel. . .")

Seriously, this truly depresses me. Hey there, Mister National Retailer, I have a fat ass and I am NOT about to stay off the street as if this were some low-rent Potemkin villiage. This is the Internet, is it not--where are all the the fat people who have nothing better to do than net-surf who will join me in protesting such things? I want to declare a NATIONAL DAY WITHOUT PANTS. Is anybody with me on this one? "Fat asses of the world unite, you have nothing to lose but your pants!" How about a "Donald Duck" march to the nearest Wal-Mart to shock and disgust those sizist bastards into relenting and carrying a full line of fat clothes? "I regret I have but one ass to give for my country." Soon Wal-Mart will be the ONLY major retailer in America (having killed all the competition) and they need to know that there are good Americans who CANNOT FIND TROUSERS IN THE PROPER SIZE.

Now that the independent fat-ass store in Utica is CLOSING, I demand satisfaction! I WILL NOT BE HELD HOSTAGE BY MY OWN ASS! This July Fourth, I will be PANTS-FREE. This is MY DECLARATION OF INDEPENDENCE! GOD BLESS (PANTSLESS) AMERICA!