A PANEGYRIC UPON LOCAL URINALISTS

Oft times the local urinalists are derided, decried. disparaged, and dishonored. My heart aches when those who have given a certain percentage of their all have been so maligned--not merely blameless, they shine as sterling beacons, beckoning us all to heed their clarion examples. There is Dave, noble Dave (he of the moonlight polka rhythms, in his prose as well as in his music) who applies his deft surgical skill to the errant musings of those who would fain march to their own drums. If, in his hands, a patient dies--why it is contumely--ingratitude--for he has done his best, whatever that may be. If his head resembles a hedgehog, then that is just life imitating art, and we must accept it.

And how I miss the wise chortles of Father Joe and the stern (though benevolent) gaze of the incomparable Rusty. Father Joe's rough-hewn wit would keep us smiling for minutes on end. When he would attempt to find anagrams for the name of our town--a futile endeavor, for there are none--we would gasp in admiration. He is in a better place now, somewhat North of here (though some would have hoped SOUTH). Peace be unto his gentle Personage!

Rusty was as long among us as old Father Joe. He judged us severely, and I felt the sting of his disfavor oftener, perhaps, than most. My recalcitrance displeased him, yet I know he could be made to laugh, particularly at his own inventions. When his fancies surpassed his capacity to order them he left us, and not unwillingly. I would like to think I had some hand in that transformation--he is a POLITICIAN now.

Then there is the head of all--the Queen of local urinalists. What name could I apply to her that would do her splendor justice? There is none. She must remain unnamed. To me, she is Athena, Minerva, Diana, Rosie the Riveter--a panoply of divinities! Her wisdom is unparalleled.
When the aged and sagacious citizens of our locality concurred that more shall not be spent upon the education of the young, she reaffirmed their decree. She said, why should the educators of this city have recourse to free appendectomies, when all others must pay? This is selfishness! Let the old ones pay not more tribute, that they may enjoy their lottery wagers and QVC purchases even unto the last day! An appendectomy, after all, may be performed at home with an ordinary can-opener and a simple sewing kit. And then a salute of twenty-one guns was fired, as befitting such a pronouncement.

She is regal, and none dare cross her. I must close my eyes now, lest I be blinded by her glory.